Growing Up and Getting Lost
by Atg543
Summary: Oneshot. We sat in your car on that chilly fall night, talking about how much I've grown up, and how much you've lost yourself.


Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill

Note: I've been feeling like writing something like this for a long time. I finally had the inspiration to write it! I worked really hard on putting a lot of feeling into this story. Please let me know what you think!

"**We sat in your car on that chilly fall night, talking about how much I've grown up, and how much _you've lost yourself_." -Unknown**

"I'm happy for you, really." Brooke gave Peyton and Lucas a half smile, while running a hand through her black hair. She had dyed it almost a year ago, after her high school graduation.

"Thanks Brooke." Peyton smiled, her perfect blond curls bouncing as she tilted her head, leaning it on Lucas' shoulder. "We are really happy to hear about your fashion line at Victoria's Secret! I've already bought some of your stuff."

Brooke smiled again, hating that she felt so fake. She wasn't happy for Peyton and Lucas. How could she? They were engaged, straight out of high school. She hated the fact that Peyton looked so good, that nothing about her had changed since high school. Even her mannerisms were the same. Unlike Brooke, who couldn't even recognize herself in her old yearbook pictures.

"Well," Brooke started after taking a sip of her water, "I'm going to go check in."

Peyton flashed another smile and quickly turned to greet a group of people that Brooke didn't recognize. Lucas' gaze lingered a little longer on Brooke, and as he stared at her she felt dirty. He shouldn't be looking at her like that. Not when he was about to marry Peyton Sawyer.

XXXX

"You look so different Brooke." Haley commented while bouncing her young son, Landon, on her hip.

Brooke fingered her dark hair again, "It's the hair. My roommate convinced me to do it, for a change. It kind of stuck." She shrugged her shoulders, wishing that things could be the same as they were in high school, wishing that she could paste on a smile like she used to be able to do.

"It's not the hair," Haley continued, giving Brooke another long look, "You look so much more…you look so mature, so together."

Brooke had to let out a laugh, "Hardly. I'm still the same old Brooke," she lied, rolling her eyes to hide the truth they held.

"But you're not. You are so put together. Sure, your hair is a bit more dramatic, but in a classy way. You're drinking water! Since when do you not drink champagne straight from the bottle?" Haley meant this in a playful way, but Brooke turned away and looked off in the distance to hide her frown. Since she had to be rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning that night. The same night she had been dared to dye her hair. No, her decision to change wasn't made because she was matured, they were made to save her from herself.

XXXX

"You look beautiful." Karen smiled at Brooke through the mirror. Brooke was wearing a deep, wine colored, strapless red dress that fell above her knees. It was a beautiful bridesmaid's dress, Brooke had to give Peyton credit for that. It was made specifically for her, being that Haley's dress, along with the other unfamiliar girls', was different.

"Thank you." Brooke smiled, the dimple on her cheek defining her face for a moment. She looked at herself in the mirror again, wondering were the old Brooke had gone. The answer came to her when her eyes fluttered to the ring that she wore on her right middle finger. It was only a silver band, but it kept her going when times got tough. She had gotten it from her AA group leader after her night in the hospital. The ring had meant so much to her at the time, she never took it off. Every time she thought about alcohol she would look at that ring. It was something so beautiful, so untainted, unlike herself, that it gave Brooke a little of her hope back. At least until…

"Thanks Ms. Scott." Brooke realized she hadn't spoken and finally responded, fingering the soft fabric of her dress.

"Karen," Lucas' mother corrected as she made a mark for a last minute alteration on a red headed girl's dress.

"Karen." Brooke repeated, wondering if Peyton was going to call her mom.

"Well, I am going to go rest a little. After all, I have to be a beautiful, blushing bridesmaid tonight." Brooke smiled, pulling her jeans and white wife beater back on.

"Sure thing honey, I will see you at five."

Brooke nodded and slipped her dress back into the hanging back. "Right. I'll be there."

XXXX

"Brooke slid the key into her hotel room, feeling a sense of relief wash over her. She could take off her mask now.

As she stepped into the room she stepped on something. She leaned over and picked up the white, lace envelope. Brooke recognized the envelope as the same type that held Peyton and Lucas' wedding invitation. She remembered the first time she saw that envelope.

"_Brooke, you got a letter." Tamara yawned, flinging the envelope at Brooke. _

_Brooke dropped her purse on her bed, ignoring the letter for the time being. "Did Randal call?"_

"_No, B. Davis, Randal didn't call." Tamara rolled her eyes and began applying another layer of blue nail polish to her thumb. _

"_Don't call me B. Davis. And are you sure? We are supposed to have a meeting tonight."_

"_Right, a meeting, I'm so sure." She laughed sarcastically._

_Brooke just frowned, checking her cell phone again. It read the same as it had all day – zero missed calls. _

"_Maybe I'll just go down to his apartment." Brooke tries to suggest casually, but Tamara read right through her._

"_Brooke, I really don't think that's a good idea. He's like thirty-five. He is totally taken advantage of you Brooke." _

_Brooke frowned, "No he's not. It's not like that. We have something real."_

"_Stop fooling yourself girl, Randal probably hits on all his AA girls. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but-"_

'_Then don't." Brooke snapped, picking up her bag and storming out of the room, leaving the letter forgotten. _

_XXXX  
_

_Brooke ignored the chill as the cold Boston wind hit her cheeks. She had to see Randal and get him to tell her that he wasn't using her. _

_She finally made it to his apartment and let herself in with the key he his above the door post._

"_Randal, is your cell phone dead because I've been trying to call-" _

_Then she saw it. Well, she saw them. Susan, a girl from her AA meetings was on her knees, and well, she wasn't praying. _

"_Oh…Brooke, this isn't…Well, it is what it looks like. But you can't honestly think that we were going to go anywhere. Brooke you are hot, really hot, but I'm over all of your moods. I just want sex, so maybe we could work something out if you cut out all your baggage." _

_Brooke couldn't breath. She couldn't even see clearly. Without saying a word to the bastard, she ran back out onto the streets. _

_Placing a hand on her forehead, she tried to steady herself as she walked down the sidewalk, not really knowing where she was going. _

_Finally, she made her way back to her dorm room after hours of wandering the streets in tears. Tamara wasn't there so Brooke didn't try to hide her tears. She locked herself in the bathroom, turning on the bath water, making sure it was numbingly hot. _

_She caught her reflection in the mirror and it made her drop to her knees. Her hair was in a tangle, her make up was all over her face, and her eyes were glassy._

"_How did I get like this?" Brooke asked herself out loud, wiping her tears with the back of her hand._

"_I used to be so confident. I'm stronger than this. I should have yelled at him, done something other than run out. I'm stronger than this." She cried, leaning against the bathtub. _

"_I'm stronger than this," She whispered, gathering herself up and opening the bathroom door, planning on grabbing her cell phone to leave Randal a not so nice message, when she saw the letter._

_She opened it swiftly, and instantly regretted opening it._

"_Peyton Sawyer and Lucas Scott invite you to their wedding on…"_

_Brooke's breath caught in her throat, as she read the rest of the invitation. At the bottom was a note that she recognized to be in Peyton's handwriting, "Brooke- I really hope to see you! It would be an honor if you would be a bridesmaid! Love, P. Sawyer."_

_Brooke collapsed to the ground for the second time. They couldn't even call her to tell her that they were engaged. _

_It was the worst day of her life, and it was the same day that she got the tiny scar on her wrist. The scar that told two stories: one was that she was too weak to go on, and two was that she was strong enough to pick her head up and live her life despite all of her troubles. _

Even now, as she stood in the hotel where Peyton and Lucas were about to get married, Brooke didn't know why she had come.

Taking a deep breath, Brooke opened the letter. It wasn't Peyton's handwriting she recognized this time, it was Lucas'.

_Brooke, _

_Can you please meet me at the coffee shop down the street if you get this in time?_

_Lucas_

Brooke closed her eyes hard. She shouldn't go. She glanced at her ring again, which now gave her the strength to stand on her own, without alcohol and without a man.

But then, as she ran her fingers over the dries ink, she knew that she needed closure.

XXXX

Brooke stepped out onto the unfamiliar streets of Atlanta, Georgia where Peyton and Lucas now made their home.

The man at the front desk had told her that there was a coffee shop down a block to the right.

She made her way to the shop, which reminded her of Karen's café.

As she reached for the handle she heard him, "Hey, hop in." She turned to find Lucas in his truck, surprisingly the same one from high school.

Brooke didn't say anything, she just climbed in, ignoring the familiar ache of her heart.

They drove in silence for a while, until Lucas finally parked on top of a hill that overlooked the town. The old Brooke would have laughed and made a suggestive comment, but not the new Brooke.

"Brooke-"

"What are you doing Lucas?" Brooke cut him off, looking out the window as the sun blazed down. If Brooke didn't know better, she would convince herself that she was back in high school hanging out with a friend on a hot summers day. However, in reality she was sitting in a car on a cool fall's day with a guy she barely knew anymore.

"I just needed to talk to you." He said, sounding as if he was wondering why he was there himself.

"Let's not do this. Please." Brooke shook her head, trying hard to push away the pain.

"I just want to know how you are doing. I miss talking to you Brooke-"

"Lucas, the phone works both ways." She snapped, clenching her jaw. Didn't he know that just his voice made her want to cry?

"I know." He sounded like he was hurting, "I'm sorry about not calling, I just…how have you been?" He finished, burning a hole in Brooke's cheek with his stare.

"Not good Lucas." She responded, twirling the silver ring on her middle finger. She could have lied, saying that she was having the best time of her life in Boston, but Brooke knew that Lucas would know she wasn't being truthful.

Lucas was silent, waiting for her to continue.

Brooke closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'm not doing good at all. See this?" Brooke pulled off the ring and placed it on the dashboard. "My AA leader gave it to me at my first meeting, after the night that I had to be rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning." Brooke was looking at Lucas now, and his face looked like he wanted to say so much, but Brooke held up her hand to tell him to wait.

"I turned my life around for a while, or at least I thought I had. My AA instructor, Randal, took advantage of me, or least that's what I tell myself so I can sleep at night. I thought I was in love with him until I found him cheating on me. Then I went home, found the invitation to your wedding, and made this scar on my wrist." Brooke slid her gold bangle bracelet off so the light pink scar could be seen. A few silent tears had fallen down her face, but she was still holding herself together.

"So, no, I'm not doing fine. I've lost myself"

Lucas looked to be in about as much pain as she was.

"Brooke, I-" He let his sentence fall off. There was nothing he could say to make up for everything that had happened between them. After they broke up at Nathan and Haley's wedding and he and Peyton had gotten together, Brooke had sort of drifted away. He had never meant to let it happen because Brooke meant so much to him, but it had happened all the same.

Brooke awkwardly slid her bracelet and ring back on.

"But I want you to know that none of it was because of you." Brooke sat up straighter, turning to face him.

"I fell apart because I wasn't strong enough to deal with who I am. In high school, I pretended to be happy, cheery, sexy, confident, in love, hateful…pretty much everything I was in high school was all a façade. When I left for Boston, I just crumbled. But it wasn't because of you. I thought it was for a long time, and if I'm honest, there are times when for a moment I let myself think that you ruined me. That you and Peyton tore down everything that I had built. However, I'm not hiding behind that excuse anymore. I'm getting better. I'm learning to love myself for the first time instead of trying to find myself by loving another."

Brooke finally let out her breath and relaxed into the seat. She had needed to say that for so long.

There was a silence for a long time as her words echoed in their ears.

"You're wrong." Lucas finally said, it being his turn to look out the window. "You might not realize it, but we are sitting in my car on this chilly fall night, talking about how much you've grown up, and how much I've lost myself."

Brooke turned to look at him, biting her lip, a confused look across her face. But she didn't say anything, she just waited for him to talk.

"You know who you are now. You've fought to be the person you are today, the beautiful disaster that you are. I can't imagine the pain that you have been through. I know for a fact that I couldn't even match the internal strength that you have." He grabbed her wrist and pulled off the bracelet, and ran his fingers over her scar. Brooke sat perfectly still, wondering how to control her heart.

"You've made mistakes. You've shown fleeting moments of weakness. But overall, you are still the Brooke Davis that I love. You are the one who is grown up. I'm the one who has lost myself."

Brooke let another tear fall down her cheek, matching the one that was falling down Lucas'.

"When we broke up in high school, when we decided that our love was not meant to be, like Whitey's, I thought that I was doing the right thing. Our relationship was too hard, too complicated. Peyton loved me, loves me, and I know that. Peyton and I, well, we make sense. Everyone has always said that. So I gave up and let you walk away. I distanced myself from you to make my life easier, not even thinking about how I was hurting you. I knew what I was doing, and yet I still did it. I've been doing it ever since. I love Peyton, but I'm not really ever my full self with her. I can't give her everything that I have because I lost a huge part of me to a mess of gorgeous chaos named Brooke Davis."

Brooke ducked her head down to hide her tears and pulled her hand away.

"It's not fair for you to say this to me. You are about to get married." She whispered, anger and confusion causing her voice to crack.

"You're right." Lucas nodded, leaning his head against the headrest. "But I am anyway. You once told me that you needed me to save you. I know now why I never could. Because you were the one who kept saving me from myself."

Brooke lost it then, her tears covered her cheeks and her breathing became ragged. Nothing was how it should be.

"I think I need to go get ready." Brooke managed to get out. "Please take me to the hotel."

Lucas' face betrayed him, showing Brooke that he was hurt. But she didn't have anything else to say.

They drove once again in silence. Brooke quickly exited the car once they pulled up to the hotel. Running away from the one thing she always wanted to run to. As she shut the door behind her she heard him say softly, "I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you."

XXXX

"Peyton, you look amazing." Brooke smiled at her once best friend. She really did look beautiful. Her dress looked much like the white prom dress she had worn the night of their senior prom except it was a bit fuller and lacier. Brooke remembered watching Peyton and Lucas dance the night away while she scrubbed the word "whore" off of her dress.

"Thanks Brooke. It means a lot to me that you are here. I know it means a lot to Lucas too." Peyton said while fixing a curl that had escaped her veil.

"I'm happy that I came," Brooke replied, pulling her own freshly curled hair into a red clip that Karen had bought all the girls. A loose strand fell beside her face, but all the girls told her to keep it because even though it wasn't perfect, it some how fit.

Brooke took a deep breath as she heard the music begin, "I'm just going to run to the bathroom really quick." She whispered as the flower girl, Karen's daughter, Lucas's sister, took off.

Brooke leaned against the wall in the empty hallway, begging herself to keep it together. She could do this. She had to do this to move on.

She heard another door open down the hall and saw Nathan coming out. He went the other way and didn't see her since he seemed to be in a hurry.

Not knowing what she was doing, she walked down the hall to the door and opened it. As she expected, Lucas was getting ready. He immediately saw her and turned around.

"You were enough. Enough for a lifetime." She whispered, not even sure if he could hear her, and then she took off down the hall, making it just in time to walk herself down the aisle.

XXXX

"Can I have the rings please?" The minister asked, looking at Brooke and Nathan who had the respective rings.

Brooke nodded, untying Peyton's ring from her bundle of flowers. She reached over to hand Lucas the ring but he stopped her.

"That's not the ring that I want," he said, and everyone froze. He grabbed Brooke's hand and pulled the silver ring off her finger. "This is the ring that I want."

Brooke's mouth dropped open as Peyton whispered harshly, "Lucas, what are you doing."

"I'm tired of doing what is easy. I'm tired of feeling lost all the time. I have to stop hurting everyone around me, and I have to stop hurting myself. I can't marry you Peyton." He said, looking at Peyton, but Brooke could feel his energy focused on her. She couldn't take it. Brooke dropped the flowers and the ring and ran out of the church.

She ran, in her bridesmaid dress, until she found a small bookstore. Stepping in, she went straight to the bathroom and locked the door. She knew that no one would look for her their.

Or, so she thought. After about an hour of Brooke sitting on the dirty bathroom floor, there was a knock.

"Brooke?" Lucas questioned.

"Go away." She yelled, wiping away some more tears.

"Please talk to me."

"That was the most selfish, awful event that I have ever witnessed. Springing that on me, springing that on Peyton! You ruined her wedding day. You embarrassed me and you embarrassed her. All for nothing." She yelled again, throwing a paper towel at the door, feeling better even though it didn't make a noise.

"I'm not proud of how all of this happened. But I am glad that I did it. You are right, Peyton didn't deserve that. But she understands, or she will understand. I talked to her and she said that she always knew something was wrong. Don't tell me this was all for nothing. Please open the door so I can talk to you."

Brooke had never felt so trapped in her entire life. "Lucas, it is not that simple. Things don't just work out like this. They can't."

"Maybe they can. Just because they haven't before doesn't mean that they can't now."

"Please just go." Brooke whispered, not even loud enough for Lucas to hear.

"I'm not doing the easy thing this time. I'm going to find myself again instead of running away from what hurts. But I can't do that until you open the door." He pleaded, twisting the handle once more.

"Stop making this about you Lucas!" Brooke screamed, standing up and banging her fist against the door.

"That's not what I'm trying to do. You know that." He sounded hurt as he spoke.

"I don't know anything anymore. You should have married Peyton." She whispered, but this time he could hear her because she had opened the door.

He looked just as bad as her. Both of them had obviously been crying and both of them were hurting.

"And miss out on all of this?" He smiled a little, causing Brooke to laugh.

"Are we going to be okay?" Brooke asked, as Lucas pulled out her ring that he had taken off of her at the wedding.

"I don't know." He said honestly, offering her the ring.

Brooke took in a deep breath and closed his hand over the ring. "I don't want that anymore. I think I'm ready to stand on my own without it there to remind me of all my mistakes."

"Was I a mistake?" Lucas asked, his voicing aching.

"No." Brooke said simply, "You were so much more than a mistake. You were the worst thing that ever happened to me. You tore me apart. You took away my best friend. You chose to ignore me to make things easier fro yourself. But," she looked up at him and placed a hand on his cheek, "you have helped me become the Brooke Davis that I am today, and I'm kind of falling in love with her." At this she smiled, her dimple shining like a star on her face.

"Good, because I am already in love with her. The old and the new."

Brooke Davis leaned in and kissed Lucas Scott, her heart soaring as he wrapped his arms around her.

They sat in their car on that chilly fall night, talking about how much one has grown up, and how much the other has lost them self. Who had lost them self and who had grown up? Brooke wasn't sure, neither was Lucas. But at that moment it didn't matter. It was fine just blending the two together, and having faith that it would be enough for forever.

XXXX

A/N: Let me know what you think!


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